#m2

i think mello had mixed feelings about it that he compartmentalized. primary two feelings that i can describe are shame and appreciation.

shame stopped him from ever realizing what he did while he wasn’t lucid, and also didn’t really let him stay in one place and reflect, especially since he lost five days of “progress” and his entire mafia and had to start from scratch. the shame became the reason why he immediately jumped to anger when matt clarified that he was taking care of mello after he regained his consciousness/the morphine+ativan combo wore off. it’s also part of the reason why he left the very first chance he got to new york. of course he was motivated by the fear of falling behind near as well - and that’s what he tells himself - but i think the shame of being completely vulnerable and not recalling anything is more of a motivator than mello would want to admit.

it is definitely one of the reasons why he chose to go so far and not tell matt where he went until he deemed it necessary to have matt by his side again when hal fell through. i’m positive mello would have been happy to sever his ties with matt at that point if hal had continued to house him, especially since matt saw him in a way that he doesn’t want to be seen.

i think shame is mello’s strongest motivation for a lot of things - blame it on his catholic upbringing and his own repression - and being entirely dependent on matt is the most shameful thing of all.

of course though there is an appreciation as well, though it runs on a subconscious level. after the explosion was almost like a test that matt did and passed, and from then on out (new york and after), mello is a lot more patient and kinder, which matt does notice though he’s not really sure why. i think the fact that mello could be vulnerable around him and survive and maintain their boss-underling relationship despite it all became a source of comfort for mello. he started to trust matt more and rely on him in the investigation more because he knew matt was able to watch over mello and keep him alive and still maintain the boundary of respect despite it all.

mello never stops and reflects on what happened during the days following the explosion. i don’t think he cares to know the truth, and he finds it too uncomfortable and shameful to think about anyway. he also is historically good at not thinking about his past because he is so focused on the forward momentum of beating near and catching kira.

in terms of their relationship with one another, especially sexually, the post-explosion period only really tormented matt. he spent a lot more time reflecting on it before realizing he didn’t like his conclusions, so sought out heroin at the very first chance he got in new york.