Two people who do not know each other have read- what’s the right description? my incessant rambling litanies that go nowhere my feelings and I gag when I think of that word now too simplistic and overused the words I take in fistfuls from my squirming brain and crush against a keyboard is more appropriate- and called them both heartbreaking and beautiful. Two real people within two months of each other. “Hurts my heart but it’s also beautifully written.” “Heartbreaking to read, […] but there’s a beauty to them too.” Two people who do not know me. Very nice people. What do I do with that? It wasn’t my intention to write something “beautiful” and elicit any emotion from anybody. I just do what i know how to do when im screaming in my face ready to tear the skin off my body and leap out of it. Two people. A funny coincidence. Strange coincidence. Beauty and hurt. Beauty in hurt? I try to describe the indescribable something silently loud that crawls all over my flesh and I don’t have a name for. it hurts you! It breaks your heart! What is there to say? I feel demented for days on end and i spin like a ball of thread on a sewing machine until i unravel all used up into something flimsy that is trying and failing to resemble a garment. Oh but you also call it beautiful! What’s the sense in that? it’s not beautiful. there’s no room for such a thing within me.

What do I make of this really? Nothing! I suppose it doesn’t matter. I vomit on here. It’s loathsome to feel so big and have an excess of words that amount to nothing spill out of me so desperately. I wish I could be quiet. Wiped clean. But that would be too kind. I am disgusting no reprieves for me.