I’m making curry today. It’s looking really really good. I’m using chicken instead of beef or pork. I cut the potatoes and the carrots into flower shapes. I haven’t properly cooked in so long something i love to do. This thing inside me robs me of so much. I’m aware of what it does to me. I just don’t want to fight it. On days like these when it’s not so bad and I can see more clearly I long for a helping hand. Because I know if I did something about this whatever it is that I could be given a solution. I will wish for all this to go away on days like these and at the same time all the reasons why I shouldn’t try and fix it present themselves to me. Or I’m reminded of them. I remember I don’t have a future. How ill equipped I am to make it anywhere. And of course there’s the elephant in the room: there is not a single thing in this world that I want to do with my life. That hasn’t changed in over half my life. Nothing. Truly nothing at all. Where do you go then? And then you round it up with the selfish and unpleasant person that I am and you have a nice big husk filled with shit. It’s tiring to push myself in one direction when my being pushes me on the other. This world isn’t for me I truly believe that. I shouldn’t be here.