diasdelasombra
throwing up just thinking about how intensely louis must have felt for lestat in those first months —those first years. what little he admits about his feelings speaks of a deep, fierce attachment —confided in him like no-one outside of his family before, 'lestat was my coal fire', 'you did good to get off that boat when you did', an intimacy like he had never experienced before. and obviously lestat knows of the strength of louis' feelings, we know he knows about it, he can hear and touch and feel it, there's no doubt in his words when he tells louis 'you send your love back round to me'. he knows louis also feels at home with him and he says so. and of course louis responds with a gesture, because he can't do it with words.
just kills me to think that louis lost that, the miracle of having someone who understood his affection without him needing to pull his teeth trying to express it. at the center of him there's a sense of alienation from other people that he has never been able to overcome, and during those months, lestat was the one place where he belonged. with him louis was seen, but the moment he was turned, lestat could no longer see all of him. he still had to wear a dozen different faces, and now a new mask for the one person with whom he thought he wouldn't need it. and a century later, he's still isolated, still performing, still struggling to express even decades-old feelings.
thinking about how he sort of finds this again —even if it's obviously different for a million reasons— with claudia and then. and then.
the thing is that claudia —as she ages especially— she sees louis clearly and she understands him, and louis loves her deeply and he's able to express his love for her unlike his love for lestat which was always stuck in his throat. but because louis thinks of himself as claudia's father, he doesn't want her to really see him, he wants her to see the role he's performing for her. and i'm sure that the more he tries to play the father, the more claudia will grow sick of him.
